Okay, we have all seen those lists of ”things nobody tells you about pregnancy,” they are everywhere! For the most part, all list the same basic things that, by now, you definitely have heard about being pregnant. I’m here to tell you the shit that literally nobody talks about.
I don’t ever mean to shine negative light on pregnancy, mostly it just sounds worse than it actually feels and it’s nothing to be afraid of. When it is happening, you just deal with it as it comes. Most generally, there aren’t many people we can actually talk to about these things, which totally sucks. If you are anything like me, you wish there was someone out there you could tell all about your gross pregnancy farts, or how hairy your vagina is. But seriously, how many people can you strike up an enticing conversation with about all the weird shit your body does when you are pregnant? Not many want to hear about it.
This article isn’t meant to scare you about your pregnancy. It’s more to inform you that weird shit does happen when you are pregnant and it’s not elegant at all. I want you to know that the reality is much different than the outside appearance. You will still play it off with graceful splendor, nobody but you will even know what is happening if you play your cards right. So without further adieu, I bring you ”Shit nobody talks about in Pregnancy.”
1. First trimester hormones.
Once you have successfully combined sperm with ovum, your body immediately starts undergoing a copious amount of changes. Some are definitely more noticeable than others. You may start to notice that the people around you are extremely irritating. Everybody seems to be grouchy or to just not like you and you cannot figure out
why. What you may not have realized is that it’s actually you and your current attitude towards the world. First trimester hormones damn near alter your reality, temporarily. Between constant tears, vomiting, overwhelming happiness, and sudden fits of rage, you may start to wonder if your sanity is still hanging on by a thread.
If this is your first pregnancy, you and your spouse may find yourselves fighting more than normal, having much less sex, or can’t seem to see eye to eye on anything. Everything about each other makes you want to rip their eyes out or cry. Try to keep in mind, they have only as much experience dealing with these out of control hormones as you do, if not less! We all want our other half to be more understanding of our emotions in a delicate time like this, but the reality is, they can’t accommodate when we hit the peak of our mood swings. If we don’t know how to deal with our own out of control emotions, how can we expect anyone else to?
It’s not so bad for everyone. Some lucky women are little balls of joy the entire duration of their pregnancy. I’m not saying those women aren’t human…. well okay maybe I am. Never fear, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, hang in there mama. Something I’ve found useful after three of my own pregnancies, is to take a step back when I feel those mood swings coming on, separate myself from the situation for a moment, and come talk about it when I have cooled off. It doesn’t always stop the explosion of emotions entirely, but it does help me realize that it isn’t always him causing the problem
2. Your nipples.
You may have heard about your boobs getting sore during pregnancy. Tender to the touch, achy, huge… but has anyone ever mentioned what happens to your nipples?
Let’s say you are going about a normal day, your other half comes up and grabs your boob playfully. He accidentally brushes his hand across your nipple. The sensation you feel is horribly overwhelming. The only way I can think to describe this sensation is an extremely painful nipple-gasm. You damn near jump ten feet while karate chopping the air in your spouse’s general direction, letting out a battle shriek. There is no joy left in nipple stimulation. More often than not, you wish you could temporarily remove them. No freaking joke.
Oh, but as if that wasn’t bad enough, your areola expands! If you had large nipples to begin with, girl, I feel for you. Not only do they get huge, they get dark! And I don’t mean a few shades darker pink, I mean a deep, dark, brown color. Just remember, it is for a good purpose! Your huge, black, painful nipples are only like that to make it easier for baby to find and nurse after birth.
4. Body odors.
You may have begun to notice that your body odor has changed. You sweat a lot more and for some reason all areas have become a bit more pungent. How you smell can vary greatly, perhaps you start to smell a bit more sweet, maybe you take up smelling like garlic bread. Diet and hormones come into play here. Even your flatulence becomes more vibrant, which is awful because you can’t always control when and where one of those sneaky bastards are going to creep out. Pregnancy has many wonders, this is just one of them.
It is good to mind if your vagina starts to have any excessive or foul odor, however. Some infections come with quite the smell and can cause complications in your pregnancy. Never be embarrassed to talk to your doctor, midwife, doula, or even a close mom friend about such issues!
Speaking of flatulence, your bowels do a lot of odd things while knocked up. Pooping will become a world of chaos all on its own. In just one day you can go from severely constipated to having chronic diarrhea, just because. There will be some nights where your stomach cramps up incredibly bad and you will feel like you are going to literally shit your bowels out. You will sit on the toilet in excruciating pain and absolutely nothing will happen. Another time, you will be constipated all day, sit down to pee, have a gas and it just comes out like lava. I have no idea why these things happen, but I tell you because I love you and seriously, nobody warns you about this stuff.
6. Baby kicks
Ahhhh, the time has come! You can feel your baby kicking! What you didn’t expect is what it actually feels like. Have you ever watched the movie alien? During the later trimester, you can definitely imagine what it feels like to have one of those suckers rip through your belly! The first kicks, however, feel a lot like gas or someone popping popcorn in a bag inside your belly. It’s really hard to tell what they are at first, but once you catch on, they are unmistakable. With your first pregnancy, the feeling is so foreign that it can be almost nauseating and slightly disturbing. They do take a while to get use to for many of us, as joyous as it is to finally have signs of life in there. Don’t feel bad if the feeling of baby squirming in there grosses you out, it is normal!
During the later trimesters, the kicks can get overwhelmingly strong. You get feet in the ribs, hands pushing on your hipbones, and occasionally a swift punch right in the cervix that will send you jumping out of your seat! It can be pretty brutal, but it only lasts a short while, so try to enjoy every bit that you can. You will miss it once its over.
7. The pain.
When I got pregnant with my first, I was under this strange impression that pregnancy was pretty easy. You just got emotional and hungry then pooped out a baby at the end. Everyone made it sound like this magical, beautiful experience that was wonderful for all who endured it. It didn’t take long before I realized that I had literally never been so wrong about anything in my entire life. Pregnancy hurts. It hurts from the minute you say go.
In the beginning, you get period cramps, then you get round ligament pain, then you get back pain, muscle tearing, lightening crotch, baby kicks, leg cramps, contractions…. pregnancy is not for the weak. It will put your body through a boot camp like no other. You come out the other side a warrior goddess and you can say you created a human being. The ultimate reward.
There will be days, you are so uncomfortable that you literally wish you could remove your skin and hang out all day wearing your muscles. The third trimester is notorious for that. Fortunately, it doesn’t last long and you don’t do this often. That final stretch can seem like it takes a lifetime, but once it’s over, you find yourself saying “it wasn’t THAT bad!” Somehow, even after everything you went through, you will end up with baby fever within the next year or so.
8. Your Vagina
Ladies, this is a sensitive area. No pun intended. What happens to your poor vagina during and after pregnancy? From personal experience, I will tell you, a number of things happen throughout pregnancy and birth. In the beginning, you will likely see an increase of some egg white like discharge, never fear, this is totally normal. Its almost as if your body stays in a constant state of ovulation, which can be a plus for not needing lube when you and dear spouse get to bumpin’ and grindin’. You may notice that your lady parts acquire an unfamiliar odor. Its not an unpleasant odor, nor is it something you want to be smelling constantly, but thanks to hormones and increased sweat, it is there.
As you get further along you will find that she is much harder to reach and you lose visibility. Hair removal becomes a hassle, so you may decide to let the jungle grow. Having not seen your favorite girl in a month or two, you may decide to take a mirror down there to make sure she is still with you. What you see may be less than favorable! Often times, due to increased blood flow to that area, it will appear veiny and swollen. You may wonder if that thing even belongs to you or if the mirror made a mistake.
After birth, especially if you tear, this swollen foreign vagina of yours will be even more so. Never fear! Everything will go back to normal. Most women report that their vagina is even prettier once healed after giving birth! Some women report that sex is better, they feel tighter, and everything is a bit more sensitive than it was before. This is good news for us moms to be. I use to think that after you had a baby, your vagina was completely ruined. That there would be a gaping hole left where your once magnificent baby maker was. I was very excited when I had my first born, to find out that my theory was oh so very wrong. Thank you elasticity!
Honestly, I could go on and on about all of the strange things that you experience during a pregnancy. The list is absolutely endless. It is an adventure that is different for everyone.
Despite all of the strange things that happen, pregnancy is truly beautiful. Women are so very lucky to be able to experience such a wonderful thing. Being the portal between where our souls are birthed and the human life is quite an incredible honor. We may not be able to truly appreciate it while we are going through it, just because of what our bodies are going through. Once everything is said and done, however, it is amazing to take a step back and say “WOW, I did that. I created THAT.” Congratulations mama, you have made a mark on the world.
We all experience something crazy during pregnancy that nobody warned us about. Share your own personal experiences! What do you have to add to the list?